11/10/2010

It’s odd that I still don’t know how to begin these letters, and it’s interesting to see the different things I contemplate opening with. But then I realise that the whole idea of these is for you to one day read them, and I am struck by the thought that what might seem like a hip opening now will sound like a spastic comment in 18 years time. But I suppose I shouldn’t worry too much, because as your mother I am bound to embarrass you and make you cringe regularly throughout your life once you’re here. Poor thing.

So we have had our three month scan (not the three month scan that confirmed we weren’t three months gone, the one after that) and that was quite a kick to the head. I think that might have been the point when I actually realised that oh feck, there is an actual baby in this here belly. You were in what the nurse said was a very good position for viewing, and I have to agree. We could clearly make out all of your features… all two of them. At this stage you had Head and Body and that was about it. And you definitely didn’t like us poking around in there. You started to wiggle that little bum of yours off all over the show, and then thought sod it, and just stuck it in the air at us. It was quite nice that it was just me and your dad there too. I have a feeling that there may be a lot of involvement from other people in the coming months, some of it which will no
doubt piss me off like nobody’s business, but that’s what the excuse of hormones is all about: ‘Fuck the bedroom theme… I couldn’t give a toss whether the bedding matches the curtains, just please get out of my face before I stick one of these here cuddly nursery toys up your jacksie…’. You get my point.

So we were the first official people to see you properly in all your naked, ultrasoundy, grainy imagery glory. That’s how good the technology is these days. By the time you possibly have kids, you’ll probably be able to insert a rod into the belly button of mum and poke the baby in the head if it’s not in a good viewing position. And you might even be able to eliminate ginger babies from the world forever with a Pick ‘n’ Mix menu before you even begin! Imagine that! Although we would still love you dearly if you were afflicted with the dreaded affliction. Ahem. Oh sod it, blame your grandmother.

On a lighter note, I thought I would give you an insight into some of the near events that will take place recently while you are being incubated nicely. Until the month that you are due in, there are various hockey games that must be played and won or lost, or cheered on from the sidelines (depending on whether referring to me or your father). Our two pet kittens, who sweetly enough are the same age as your incubation period, will be growing and need taking care of. Trust me when I say that it is like we have a pair of stroppy teenagers in the house already. Mars and Snickers (let’s hope those fat parents you ask about Pick’n’Mix aren’t your own, if we’re calling our cats after chocolate bars now, imagine what we might be like in a decade) fight like cat
and… well, cat really and can be little bastards at night, but I suppose we should treat them like older siblings for you who are introducing us to disturbed nights, cleaning shit and the constant need for food. You are so going to be an only child (I take it back, you have two older brothers, perhaps we should call you Toblerone).